If Only I Had A Paper Heart

So SPM is over.
What now?

It was long, and at times grueling. But one by one, as weeks passed I checked them off.

I wish you were an exam, so I can slash you off part by part, and put you in the past in a month's time.

People celebrated. Firecrackers exploded, right in the teachers' faces. Papers flew everywhere, and I couldn't but felt a tinge of envy.

If only I had a paper heart too. Then I could fold it nicely, like a plane and let it fly away.

Do I ask for too much?

*movin' on*

The Not-So-Happy Happy List

I am so happy because 6 out of 7 of the blogs on my blogs-I-actually-do-read list below updated. Damn shiok man!

I am happy because I went clubbing earlier.

I am happy I'm still high.

I am happy cause my hair is absofuckinlutely awesome.

I am happy cause I've finished that fucking long undang.

I am also happy because undang was an utter waste of time, and therefore I didn't feel like I missed anything when I slept through it/read Kiterunner.

I am very happy I'm reading a lot again(ie Kiterunner see above) because I have a lot of it to catch up on, and I only read it because I get so in tune with the storyline that my mood and feelings are greatly affected. I escape from my(superficial, unnecessary, childish) pain this way.

I am happy because I am handling all my shit like a mature boy, or a boy trying hard to be mature, and only managing to pull so much off because that's as mature as he can be.

I am happy because SPM is officially fucking ending tomorrow.

I am happy because there's so much more to life than waiting for that love to come. Or for that love you love you back.

I am also happy I did not scream fuck you you mother fucka bitch jump off the cliff and die cause it mother fucking hurts I did not want this I did not expect this I thought I was immune to J.

I am very happy you came alone, though.

I am not happy because I went clubbing. Ballistic waste of time. Talked to H on the phone relentlessly and hung outside the club cause you were inside.

I am not happy I have Chinese tomorrow. Damnit.

I am not happy because I miss you. Which I shouldn't.

But most of all, I'm not happy because I'm so broken up right now. Because I'm such a hypocrite.

People come to me, because I'm the best at giving advice. I tell them to suck it up, and embrace the pain head on, because that's the only way you heal and the fastest way to move on. But I realize all the time, from the distant past, to this very moment, I only do one thing.

Ignorance.
I pray it is bliss.

I just wish you would take my pain away.
Take me away with you.

Words That Cut So Deep, Left Along The Way

What would you say to me, if we had never met before?
What would you say to me, if I still feel the way I do?
What would you say to me, when every night I dream of you?

It's been so long now. But I still know the answers to all these questions. Because I know you that much. But alas, I just didn't knew enough.

I've always said, there are no regrets in life, only lessons. So, I never regret. I think. I mean, I've never cried for anyone since then, because no one is worth my tears and the ones who are won't make em' fall..or something to that extent, right?

But you know that feeling, before you cry, right before the tears fall out from your eyes? You don't know where it starts, because it just flashes by, just like a slight shiver, but it ends behind your eyes?


I still get that a lot.